What if my pastor is the reason I can’t get stuff done?
“Father, our meetings aren’t good.”
To be fair the meetings weren’t good. I had only been at the parish for about 5 months, but I had been internally (and externally) complaining about our team meetings since my first attendance. They were unorganized, had nothing to do with the actual work I did, and almost always wrapped up with 20 mintutes of gossip. We had good people on our team, but the meetings were far from productive for most of us. I decided that if that trend was ever going to change, I needed to approach the issue head on. I read everything I could on the Amazing Parish website, practiced the conversations in my head for a couple weeks, and decided to meet with my pastor. Father was typically super-approachable, warm, kind, and patient; I was certain he would be excited by my energy and practical solutions. It was time for a 1-on-1 meeting.
As we sat down, he changed. He became cool, distant, and stoney. His body language had completely shifted, and I became completely unnerved. My practiced opener disappeared from my brain, so I blurted out: “Our meetings aren’t good.”
Needless to say, it wasn’t a great conversation, and it certainly didn’t lead to the change I was hoping for. Though the effort wasn’t successful in the classical sense, I was faithful to the call I perceived and that bore fruit.
People are frustrating
Whether it’s your pastor, a difficult personality on your parish team, or a volunteer that won’t stop being weird , working with people leads to frustrated work. At times like that, I often think of St. Paul’s advice:
“Be angry but do not sin…and do not make room for the devil.”
Ephesians 4:26-27
We are passionate about doing our part to build in the vineyard of the Lord. When we perceive that someone is getting in the way of that work, it can be deeply upsetting. This often leads to anger which manifests itself in any manner of ways. Anger is not bad. It’s an emotion and can actually be the catalyst for action that leads to change…if we don’t let it lead us to sin. When you do find yourself in a situation where someone is frustrating your ministry efforts you need to do 2 things.
1.Don’t make room for the devil
When I began public ministry I asked Sarah Swafford for some advice at an event. She gave me this little peptalk: “No one is under more spiritual attack than someone who speaks out publicly in the name of the Lord. Make sure it’s what you’re called to.”
You are in public ministry. The devil will do anything to destroy you and make you ineffective. Pray, fast, and discern. And if you think spiritual warfare is real in your life, imagine what it’s like for someone who has been consecrated to bring Jesus into the world through the Sacrament of the Eucharist. Before you critique your pastor’s leadership style, first love him enough to pray and fast for him so the devil has no room to play in your relationship.
2.Be angry but do not sin
A friend recently shared this quote from a former theology teacher
“Complaining is a direct rejection of the cross.”
If you perceive that someone is in the way of the Church’s mission, they don’t need to be gossiped or complained about; they need to be dealt with. Don’t allow your anger and frustration to become sin; rather let it motivate you into action. This action is loving dialogue aimed at building the Body of Christ.
What are Crucial Conversations?
Any conversation that needs to happen in order to further the mission of Christ is a crucial conversation. Crucial conversations are not knee-jerk reactions to anger or frustration in the moment. They are strategic and intentional. Jesus tells his disciples to be wise as serpents and innocent as doves (Matthew 10:16). We do well to follow His advice. If you are at a point of absolute frustration with anyone involved in your ministry, it’s because you failed to have a crucial conversation with this individual in the past. Done well, crucial conversations are simply a part of the ongoing formation of your team. They’re a beautiful way to grow in relationship and refine your evangelization machine at the parish.
Here’s a helpful acronym from the book “Crucial Conversations” by Joseph Grenny. CPR. It stands for Content, Pattern, Relationship. Content is the facts of the situation. Pattern establishes that this is not a one-off situation. Relationship focuses the conversation on how these actions affect the relationship. It prioritizes the relationship over individual feelings. This acronym gives you a formula for approaching these essential discussions, removing the emotion and personal sting that often comes with crucial conversations.
Let’s apply it to this scenario:
Imagine that over the past few weeks, several people have come to you because Father was rude to them right before Mass when they asked him _________. This situation prompts two crucial conversations that need to happen.
The first is an opportunity to build empathy for your pastor among the congregation. You might be tempted to say, “I know! He’s the worst before Mass!” Or perhaps, “Duh. He’s busy.” Instead say, “(CONTENT)I’m sorry that happened. (PATTERN) I’ve noticed that Father is focused on getting everything ready right before Mass starts. He really wants to do everything he can to lead people to Jesus. (RELATIONSHIP) You might have a better conversation if you approach him after Mass or call the office to schedule an appointment in the future. That way he can be more intentional about giving your conversation the attention it needs.”
The second crucial conversation is with your pastor. You may be tempted to say, “Father, when you do this, it makes you sound like a jerk.” But, instead, you could say, “(CONTENT) You know Father, over the past few weeks people have mentioned that you’ve been short with them before Mass. (PATTERN) Two weeks ago the Smith’s wanted to discuss their baby’s baptism, this week the Johnsons had a questions about confirmation. (RELATIONSHIP) It really hit them hard because they’re trying to be good, faithful catholics, but that kind of response was hurtful and discouraging. If we can find a better way to tell people “not now” in the future it would go a long way toward building bridges to Christ in our parish.”
Crucial Conversations to have with your pastor
If as the title suggests, you believe your pastor is the reason you can’t get things done, it’s mostly likely not because he has a vendetta to make your life more difficult. Most often, this situation arises because operating a multi-million dollar corporation like your parish was barely touched upon in his formation to become a priest. If you can have a few key conversations with him, he will probably be grateful to have fewer things to micromanage, and you will be more free to do your work. If you feel like things get bottlenecked at Father’s availability here are some topics to approach him with.
Decision making rights. What decisions do you have the right to make without him in the room?
Standing one-on-one meeting. Ask him to schedule a weekly 15-minute meeting so you can run everything past him effectively and efficiently.
Defining success for your position. Get on the same page about what success looks like in your position. This gives you the verbiage he’s looking for, especially when pitching new ideas or trying to make timely decisions.
Prioritizing objectives or tasks. Understand what he values most. This gives you a better idea of the flow of work that you need to develop in relation to his involvement.
Professional boundaries. It’s possible that you really have been asked to do to much. When you find a good worker, the tendency is to believe they can handle just a little bit more.
This isn’t an exhaustive list, but gives some solid leads for improving your working situation.
Tips for having a crucial conversation
In addition to the CPR acronym above, here are some quick tips for effective crucial conversations.
Do the spiritual work in advance. Pray. Fast.
Come prepared with the facts of the situation. Make the conversation about concrete events.
Listen to their side of the story/expectations. This gives you perspective beyond your own experience.
Can you get them to offer a solution? If the solution comes from within, there is a greater chance they will follow through.
Come with a prepared solution.
What’s Next?
Begin to make a list of crucial conversations that need to happen at your parish. Use the tips above to prepare yourself.
Once you have a working list, prioritize the conversations in order of urgency and timing needed.
Start to schedule these meetings into your calendar.
Need Help?
Send us a message. We’d love to workshop ideas and help you prepare for a crucial conversations on your calendar.
